Elul Reflection - 8.31.23 - Jesse Goodsell

Every year during Elul, I read Rabbi Alan Lew’s “This Is Real and You Are Completely Unprepared” to get me in the right mindset for the fast-approaching High Holidays. This year, I’m adding Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg’s “On Repentance and Repair: Making Amends in An Unapologetic World”, which discusses Maimonides’ approach to repentance for our modern world. Don’t worry, this isn’t an ad for books! It’s a reflection on how deeply we can hurt each other and how easy it is to turn away from other people instead of making amends.

Of course, it is not always safe or even possible to attempt to repair a relationship, especially when harm has been done through violence or the threat of violence. For those people, I pray for peace and healing. But for so many of us, it is much easier to reduce contact, dismiss someone, or deny that anything has occurred at all rather than face the painful reality that we have hurt and/or been hurt.
Throughout this year, when I felt hurt by someone else, I have done my best to reach out to that person and talk about it. Some of those conversations were short, some require a lot of work and are still happening. I’m so glad to say that almost all those relationships are stronger now because of those conversations. Often, hurt feelings came out of a misunderstanding, miscommunication, or the other person acting out of their own, personal pain. It was difficult being vulnerable, but I found the outcome so worthwhile.

I try to tackle the days and weeks leading up to Yom Kippur as a chance to have painful conversations and attempt to make amends. Sometimes I have taken the easy path and ignored the problem out of anxiety or shame. A few times, it has simply not been safe for me to try to repair a relationship. This year, I hope to take an honest stock of my actions and relationships and begin the difficult work of repair where needed. Thankfully, I have some amazing guides from our tradition to help me along the way. 

Shanah tovah,
Jesse Goodsell